It's Come to That Point

My goal for this semester is to send out some of my work. Revise, revise, revise. Submit, submit, submit. Problem is that I only have one piece that I am real confident in, one piece that I am pretty confident in, and another that, you know, is good, but I'm mainly including it just because I can have three, and I think it stands a good enough chance. Okay, that's not my only problem. The real problem is that I second-guess myself constantly. Every time I think, "Okay, this is done. Now, I should submit it." I freeze up and convince myself that there is some reason to wait and come back later, look over it again. Mainly, I'm afraid that I'll send it out and, seconds later, realize that there was some horribly obvious terrible line that needs fixing, and I won't be able to fix it. It'll just be out there. With my name on it. Yeesh. =/

Then I tell myself if I don't start submitting, I'm only going to ever have one publication to my name. Everyone fails, and I probably won't even know where I stand until I fail a few times. I say "few" optismtically, knowing that it's probably going to be more than that. Still, I've got two poems coming out in Zone 3, so I must at least have some idea of how to do this thing, right?

My problem is that I am a worst-case scenario person in every aspect of my life. I rarely ever do spur of the moment deals. I like to think things through. Actually, I don't really like to think things through, I just can't stop myself from going through all the different possible scenarios. Like, I could do this, but then this, this, or this could happen, and is that really worth this, or even this? Couldn't I do it like this instead? No one likes to make the wrong decision, but I am seriously OCD about making sure that I don't. Not that obsessing about it has ever made any of my choices the right ones.

So, anyway, I've had to come up with a process to keep myself going. Why am I doing this? How badly do I want to tell my story? I think of the family tree research I've been doing, all the old pictures and trinkets I've come across, and I remind myself that I have a lot of different voices that need to be heard. Mainly the voices of those that have passed on. This helps me connect to them and learn more about who they were (if only who I think they would have been) and what I've become in comparison or as a result of.

It was upsetting when I started this project and  stopped to think about how my grandma passed away before I was old enough to really appreciate her or what I could learn from her. There are a lot of things I'm having to piece together the best I can, and I stop to wonder what she'd think of what I've done and found out, what I'm doing even right now to uncover some of the secrets she lived her whole life without ever telling anyone. There are so many questions I wish that I could ask her. Am I right? Did this happen? Was it like this? Is this why you did that? Not that there isn't quite a bit of satisfaction to be had from coming up with my own answers. And then I find pictures like the one I posted above, of us together, and it's like I can feel her looking at me like that right now, like she's proud of me. I can see all sorts of things just looking at that picture and others. All of the things she went through and how strong she always seemed despite it all.

I want to be like that for the people in my life, and I want to make sure that her stories, Donna's, Debra's--all of them live on. Even when it's exhausting to put myself into their shoes to try to imagine it all. I'm going to do it anyway, and I'm going to start submitting even despite the anxiety, because I'll never know until I try, and I might as well start now while I have something I'm really proud of to lead with.

Aside from that, I've started at job at the town library, which I'm enjoying so far, and the hours work well to give me time to do what I need for school. It's also great being around books that I can just pick up, check out, and take home with me, so no complaints there!