I have this problem where I'm not actually really thinking about being nervous, but it's like my stomach gets queazy and unsettled all of its own accord. It's happening right now, and I'm a little distressed that I might get sick at the reading tonight. Which, if you haven't guessed, is the reason my subconscious is apparently extremely anxious right now. I have no valid reason as to why. I know everyone here, they're all very supportive, and I know everyone else is as nervous as I am, but it's like all of my lifelong fears of speaking in front of large groups of people are just flaring like crazy right now. Not to mention that I'm reading a new poem tonight. It's gone through about three revisions but is still in the early stages, and I'm starting to second guess whether or not I should even read it. I thought about retreating to a safety net and using one of the poems that's going to be published in the Spring, since it has undergone extreme scrutiny, but then I want to read something no one in the audience has heard yet. Decisions, decisions!
And it's the last full day of residency. It's been an intense, sleep-deprived week, and while part of me is a little sad to leave the environment, I'll be glad to see my family and friends and pets again. Also some of the pressure will be relieved in a way, that I've been feeling all week. But tonight is the last big hurdle, and I am extremely tense about it. So much so that I can't let myself finish what all I originally wanted to post about. Because I feel like I need to do a lot more prepping. So expect the rest of this post in the next few days!
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