Colourless Colour

I hate those nights when I feel conflicted and restless. They usually creep up about the time when I've decided that I'm okay with the way things are. I want to go, I want to see. Why aren't things happening faster? Of course I'm impatient, just like anyone would be. I check my email at least 20 times a day just to see if I've received any information on contests I've submitted to. 

I wish I had someone readily available to talk about poetry to all hours of the day and night, but my friends have jobs and families and work of their own, so I don't want to impose. I think I get my biggest drive to write from reading work from other people though. Like, oh, I like that, I could do something like that.

Still in my head is my friend, Heather's, poem, "Bop for Breaking Wedding Vows." I want to write a poem that has song lyrics in it, but everything I've tried so far sounds hokey. When I was at SIU, I wrote a poem based on the song Shots by LMFAO. It was kind of ridiculous. But Heather's poem reminded me of it, and that was pretty amusing. I've tried to locate it, but I think I lost it on my old computer.

I'm really not even sure what I started this blog post for, other than to avoid the fact that I really want to write a poem but am having a mental block. And to distract myself from that melancholy that will have me stretched out across my bed looking at the ceiling and listening to music in the dark. Everything just feels like it's at a standstill recently, though, and it makes me incredibly anxious and grumpy.

Grumpy, grumpy, grumpy.

My avoid-human-interaction phase. I go full hermit at least once a month these days, where I just ignore my phone and plans with friends to hang out, where I just want to stay in my house and be alone. Which doesn't exactly work with a job that requires a lot of interaction. I just feel like I'm in a neverending period of being "in-between". In between what? A lot of things. I don't like it. Summer vacation is approaching, at least, when my jobs go on vacation with the kids, so I guess at least I will have time then to figure myself out. Even before then, I'm taking a trip to Louisville. A solo trip. I'll meet one of my co-workers there for the conferences on Family Literacy, but other than that, I'll be alone.

I'm looking forward to the trip. Maybe the alone time in the evenings will spawn some poetry. Or just a good opportunity to plug my headphones in and enjoy a room to myself and my own rules for a weekend. Either way, I need something. But, for tonight, I am just going to listen to music, hang out with my dogs, and try to enjoy the beginning of my weekend.