What feels like Day 1,000,000 of my poetry drought. I keep looking at things I've written, and I feel like I want to revise, but then I don't, because I'm just not in "the mood". The mood matters a lot when it comes to poetry. What I want to revise is the poem that I believe got me all the way to the end of the Crab Orchard Review's final stretch of voting. I know I want to keep it, and I know it needs to be revised, but every time I have tried to revise it, I don't like what I end up with. There's a nice breeze coming in through the windows, though, and I've cleared off a writing space in my writing room, so hopefully I can make some progress with it. I did submit it in my writing sample packet for this coming residency though, so, at the very least, maybe Blas can help me fix it. Maybe someone can give me that one suggestion that will get my wheels turning.
Maybe half the problem is that I haven't been feeling very overly-emotional about anything lately. I've picked up hobbies to distract myself, and I've become... emotionally content? And it's hard to write anything when you just feel blah. Like, not blah in a bad way, but just, I don't know, I guess just okay. Plus, like I said, I have a lot of distractions now. I do kickboxing almost every night of the week. When I don't do that, I run on the bike path. Both of these kind of require me to concentrate on my breathing and my thoughts. They put me in a mental place where all I care about is how far I can go or how much I can do. I'm not thinking about the things that bother or worry me, just about how I feel and what I want to accomplish. The physical exercise has really started to make me feel better. There were a lot of things weighing me down, and the exercise helps me come out of it.
Especially the running, where it's just me on the bike path, and I can just enjoy being outside and doing something with myself. I like having the weight goals too. And now I can gauge my progress in those goals by how well I do at kickboxing. The other night, I kicked over my head for the first time in like 10 years. I actually surprised myself into stopping for a minute. I was like, wait, did I just do that? I never thought I'd be that flexible again! My clothes already fit different, and I already feel better. I feel like some part of my old self again.
I've also been toying with the idea of going back to karate and getting my black belt. It was something that I always loved doing, but I quit, for a number of reasons, right before I got my black belt. I now have the opportunity to go back, but it's almost sad to me, because the people I went with before aren't there anymore, and it won't be exactly the same, because a lot of other things have changed. I'm also going to be in my thesis semester, so I don't want to take on more than I can handle in a semester. I told him I'd discuss it more in July when I get back from Murray though, so I have some time to consider it.
I'm still really excited about this summer too. In 5 days, I'm going to Florida with my family. In 18, I'm going to LeakyCon, and in 26, I'll be back in Murray. I know it probably sounds silly, but I think I'm actually most looking forward to going back to Murray. I miss my friends and that environment. One week isn't a long enough time to be with them. It's always fun, and it never feels like school or work. It's just my place to be. Plus, I always come away with better poetry and new poetry. I wrote My Uncle Sings La Cucaracha during a residency, and look where it is now. =)
So anyway, it is now time to get to revising this poem. Or at least staring at it with growing resentment until I close out of it.
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