She's My Thesis

So things were kind of crazy after the tornado and the pictures don't do it justice. I recently went to the other side of town to see what had become of it, and it was just surreal. I'd been avoiding going over there, because I didn't want to seem like a gawker, but I finally went to look while nothing was going on, and it was scary. I can't imagine how those people that went through it can even sleep at night now when my house wasn't part of it, and every little storm sets me on edge now. Our weather radio has not been unplugged since, and I'm sure I've already driven Adam half-crazy with my anxiety. But I guess things are moving on again. I didn't want to write a poem about it originally, because I felt like I almost didn't have a right to when I didn't really experience it firsthand, but I found a middle ground to justify my feelings and voice my concern for our community, and at least I got it out of me.

Since then, I've turned in my March poetry packet, which went over fairly well. I knew that some of it was still rough around the edges though, because I had a creative block for quite awhile after the tornado, and what I put together felt sort of hollow to me as well, but Blas gave me a few pointers as to which parts were doing well and which needed work. He also, as before, gave me an incredible confidence boost that was sorely needed during my spot of writer's block. He is an incredibly nice guy, and I'm lucky to have him for my mentor for my first semester. His criticism is always constructive and really helps me dig past the parts of my poems that were really just filler.

I need to get started on my packet for April, but I've also got my 12 page, final project poem hanging in the air above me, and I've been torn between working on it and on my packet. Mainly because I had to submit the first three pages this week for my midterm, and the poem I've started is nagging me to finish it before I move on to anything else. Which I guess is fine, because, really, several things have come up in this poem that I'd like to cut out and turn into smaller, stand-alone poems. I think they'd go nicely with my thesis poems.

And, whether or not I meant to, I'm pretty sure I've already set the foundation for what my thesis is going to involve, and Blas agrees. For whatever reason, my subject material this year has turned almost exclusively to my family. I've written several poems about Adam and my parents, but the majority of them seem to be hinging on stories about my grandma. My mom has always told me stories about her, and other pieces I've strung together from listening to other members of my family and even people who just knew her from the outside. I've always been sort of amazed by the fact that she had ten children and part of the time she was a single mother. Some of her past is sort of draped in mystery too, so I've added in some completely fictional events to bridge the gap.

I don't know why, I just can't stop writing about her. I guess it's because when she was alive, I was still fairly young, and it's not until someone's gone that you fully appreciate what you had, and you wonder why you didn't take advantage of it then. There's also half of you that wants to keep a part of that person alive. When I write about her, I feel closer to her, and I don't want her to just be gone without something to remember her by. I guess my mourning period hit me late too, like she didn't feel gone until I noticed the things I wished she was still here for, like getting my driver's lisence and graduating college and getting married. Stuff like that. Also, we used to have big holidy get-togethers at her house, and we still try to do that, but they're different without her here, bringing everyone together.

Anyway, I just want to tell her story in some way, so my thesis has largely become about her. I've also managed to squeeze in a few stories involving other family members, but, even then, most of them seem to reference her in some way, even if no one would notice it but me. I didn't realize how much she influenced my life until I started writing these poems. And now I'm just hoping that she keeps giving me enough inspiration to fill the page requirement for my thesis, because this is what I want it to be. If our thesis is designed to set us up with our first book of poems, then these are the poems I want to be the first to represent me as a published poet. I want to think that she's proud of me, even though I didn't become a Vet like I originally told her I wanted to be when I was a kid. And, let's face it, you can imagine the looks on the faces of others when you tell them you're going to school to become a poet. I guess at least then I was still set on being a novelist.

I can actually picture her face if I'd told her I wanted to be a poet, all of the unspoken questions like, "What, are you going to live in a box and eat out of the trash then?" Every time I tell someone I'm getting a masters degree, they're like, oh, cool, in what? And I say in poetry, and they immediately all make the same incredulous face and are like, oh yeah? What can you do with that? And I just want to be like, anything I want to! At least I made it this far. When I publish my first book, we'll see who's changing their tune then. Granted, I don't expect to be as ridiculously famous as Suzanne Collins or J.K. Rowling, but at least I'll have made something that lasts and that, hopefully, other people will want to read and enjoy. Either way, I've had plenty of time to think about it, and the only thing I feel good at and actually want to do is writing. This is it for me. Even if I tank, at least I tank trying.

But anyway, it's time to get moving on my 12 page poem so that I can get on to the rest of things I need to get done. I just wanted to update since it's been about a month since I last did so. And I felt like, since this was the month my grandma was born in and also the one she past away in, I needed to say something about her. She's been on my mind an awful lot lately.